December 25, (THEWILL) – Very few people ever forget the first time someone cheated on them. Infidelity is not something you get over easily even if you have experienced it before, but that first time is truly devastating. In fact, if not properly checked, it could affect every relationship you have from then on.
The effect of broken trust is often not limited to the erring partner; in many cases it is extended to subsequent partners. Oftentimes you hear women say “all men are cheats”. This declaration may not necessarily be based on all the relationships they might have had (indeed they may only have had one); apparently it just takes one bad experience to write off a whole gender. It’s called emotional baggage. After a negative experience, one has to work really hard at unpacking the baggage caused by infidelity so as not to ruin a subsequent relationship.
Nkem and Bamidele have shared traumatic personal stories of their very first experience of infidelity; revealing how they felt and the impact on their emotions. (Names and places have been changed to protect the identities of the people in the stories)
Nkem’s Story
A woman never truly forgets the first guy she gave her heart to. For me, that guy was Emeka. I gave him not only my heart, but my prized virginity too, so as you can imagine I really loved him; he was special.
I met Emeka through my sister who was in the University of Lagos at the time. He was in her circle of friends. He was so handsome; I fell in love with him instantly. In those days, that was the main criterion for selecting a boyfriend and he passed with flying colours. He was cool too, well spoken, charming and all those things a young girl likes.
We got really close. He met my family and I met his. Both families were happy about our relationship. There was an unspoken agreement that we would get hitched once we both graduated and I couldn’t wait.
Against my wishes, my parents whisked me off to the UK to study for my A’ levels. I was sad to leave Emeka who stayed back in UNN to complete his degree. I knew I would miss him but I was confident he would wait for me. He was my true love after all, my beau.
I came home one holiday and went to visit my sister in the university. Emeka was there (I knew he would be) and I was really excited to see him. Distance had made the heart grow even fonder if that were possible. I loved him too much already. The thought of seeing him during the holiday got me through the long separation period while I was away at school.
I had heard a rumour that he was dating another girl on campus but I didn’t believe it. Not my Emeka. Nevertheless, I confronted him, and initially he denied it. However, in time the story kept unfolding until it became evident that he had lied and he reluctantly admitted that the story was true. I was heartbroken and disappointed. He apologised and promised to stop seeing her so I forgave him and we carried on with our relationship.
To my dismay however, shortly after I returned to school in the UK, I discovered that he had continued the affair with the other girl. He had simply lied to me; he never ended it at all. I was devastated.
That was the end of our love affair and my first introduction to betrayal, infidelity and heartbreak. It’s been over twenty years since it happened but I will never forget the sinking feeling I had when he first admitted his unfaithfulness. I was so broken. It was a deep cut and no act of infidelity has ever hurt me as much as that first one.
Bamidele’s Story
I was really lucky. In all the years I dated as a young single man, infidelity wasn’t something I had ever encountered before. I’m a one-woman man and I had never cheated on anyone nor had anyone cheated on me. So, it came as a devastating shock when in 1990, my wife revealed to me that she had slept with a co-worker.
Her excuse was that she felt neglected because I spent long hours at work. I was the general manager of a restaurant in those days. When she confessed, I felt crushed and disappointed but I didn’t feel the need to end the marriage at that time.
Getting over it wasn’t easy though; it was a journey. We slept in separate rooms for two months. I battled with myself to get over it and eventually I forgave her. I still felt very disappointed and betrayed but I rose above all that and tried to look at it from her perspective. I felt that we all make mistakes and perhaps I was somewhat responsible because of my long working hours. I loved her and I believed it was a one-time thing so we worked through it and I let it go.
It still hurts, it will always hurt but I gave our marriage a second chance and we remained married for over 20 years and raised our now 23-year-old daughter together. Sadly, three separations later, our marriage ended this year, 2021.
The irony of it all is that I never cheated on my wife. Usually, men are the ones accused of infidelity because the general belief is that we can’t stay faithful. Every time we discuss the reasons why our marriage ended; my ex-wife would accuse me of adultery. Perhaps she, (like many women) finds it difficult to believe that a man can be faithful. The truth is that she is the only woman I have been intimate with since I arrived in the United States in 1982. So can a man be faithful? Yes, he can, I certainly was.
Dealing with Emotional Baggage
If you have been cheated on, you will always be wary, you’ll always look for the signs you missed the first time it happened. It erodes your trust and affects your self-confidence especially if you are still in a relationship with the same person who cheated on you.
These are natural and appropriate responses to the traumatic episode you experienced. It’s simply your mind and body trying to keep you safe from the threat that caused you so much hurt the first time. However, the associated anxiety and pain could create barriers to your new relationship or prevent you from repairing the existing one. What steps do you need to take to rid yourself of the emotional baggage associated with infidelity?
If you are in a new relationship, it helps to open up with your new partner about your past experience. For starters it would help the new person understand how certain behaviour which you still associate with your former cheating partner, could trigger feelings of mistrust. For example, if your cheating boyfriend or girlfriend had a habit of whispering into the phone when they receive certain calls, even in your new relationship, this behaviour could trigger feelings of mistrust. Knowing this could help your new partner work with you through these feelings and build trust in your current relationship. It also helps both of you team up against the insecurities that threaten your relationship.
The most important person responsible for unpacking your emotional baggage however isn’t the initial perpetrator nor is it the new partner; it’s you! Get professional help if you need it. Healing from deep emotional pain is a process, a journey. It takes time and sometimes it requires the input of an expert. Don’t feel uncomfortable about seeking help if you find that you are dealing with too many triggers which are affecting your current relationship.
Finally use simple techniques such as affirmations and deep self-care. Positive statements (affirmations) can help you to challenge and overcome those negative thoughts and self-doubts that creep in and sabotage your relationship. Repeat them often and believe in them. Self-care includes building yourself emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually.
In a situation where a person has been cheated on and chooses to remain in the relationship or marriage, the cheating has to stop for healing to be possible. In addition, those triggers must be recognised and resolved with constant and frequent reassurances given on demand.
It’s a long tedious journey back to re-establishing trust and not every couple can make it. Some men get exasperated, “Why can’t she just understand that I’m sorry and I won’t do it again”. In reality it’s not that simple. If you do the crime, be prepared to do the time. Man or woman, the perpetrator simply has to be patient and understanding of their partner’s insecurities and triggers.
Indeed, the first cut may be the deepest but it need not be the basis or compass for navigating every subsequent relationship. No matter how devastated, no matter how broken we are, we must overcome in order to enjoy the new or current relationship. We owe that much to ourselves and to our new partner.
PS: Have a merry Christmas and an awesome New Year!
PPS: Thank you to all the people who donated to the cause of the three homeless women, Amina, Martha and Victoria. They were really grateful for the generous donations and will use the funds to find accommodation and get back on their feet. God bless you for your kindness.
Roz Amechi © 2021. No part of the story/documentary may be copied, photocopied, reproduced, translated or reduced to any electronic medium or machine-readable form, in whole or in part, without prior written consent of the author, Roz Amechi.
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